Misunderstood. Not sure if for sending mixed signals or lack of empathy and communication… as a foreigner I face some sort of misunderstanding and misinterpretation on daily basis. And let me tell you something: it’s exhausting. Despite of my pretty good level of expression, higher than average vocabulary where I can cover even more complex, abstract and scientific topics as well as idioms and collocations existing only in the non native language, I still seem to find myself when I have to describe what I mean, to explain, to extrapolate.
It makes me think that maybe my command of the language isn’t as good as I imagined. Maybe it’s because the other participants involved are in such mindset that doesn’t allow them to look over any potential errors and mistakes and filter the message beyond those. Maybe they don’t want to. Maybe they can’t. I’m not asking for pity. Or patience. Just open your mind, broaden your horizons.
Funnily enough, similar thing happens with my tattoos. For sure, first glance might trigger just a basic image. One or two very distinguishing features can lead one astray. So I have this very simple, almost minimalistic Sword of Justice tattooed. It’s a sword with a bowl hanging from each end of the cross guard. There are few finer details. Alef in the middle of the cross guard, symbols of Sun and Moon on the bowls. Spiral tied grip. Light and dark halves of the blade. Has anyone ever mentioned Sword of Justice? No. Only if I was born under the Libra sign… I’m Cancerarian. Ankh and Scarab is mistaken for Christianity and interests in entomology, Raven for Phoenix..
Are assumption and prejudice guilty? Ignorance? Lack of empathy? I don’t know. But I know that all that shaped me. I’m always looking for several points of view. Different perspectives. Understanding. Empathy. Narrow mindness is frowned upon in my world.
Once in a while I’m going back to my roots. To all the places that were my homes at the times.
To the small town in the west of the country, nestled in the hilly landscape with forests and woods all around, where I grew up.
If I have time, I might pop in the old spa town where I tried to learn how to adult and failed thanks to my teenage “know-it-all” attitude. A place of most of the “first times” and “rebellions”. But I haven’t been there for ages.
Another stop is in the beer city in the south. There I finally learned how to adult, I found my first proper job, I studied uni as my dad wanted me to, I was blessed to become part of amazing group of friends who shaped me immensely.
However, I’ll never skip that dreamy village where it seems as if the time had stopped. I found there my second family and great love. And equally great heartbreak. And even though the bond that originally tied us together is gone with my lover, the family will always welcome me with arms wide open.
All these are in my heart forever. With all the people I loved, with whom our paths had to part years ago.
But there’s a tiny red string still connecting our souls.
It’s been a year since my last visit and an awful lot changed in my life. Breakup/escape from one sided relationship, wild times as a party animalI as a reaction to it, seeking a shelter in a girl’s heart, saving Dragon slayer and The Broken Man so I wouldn’t have to think about my own damaged armour, Christmas just by myself- and then, finally, when the old year died off in the fireworks, the Moon-of-my-life found me, hugged me so tight, that all the little pieces fell in place once again.
But there are still the bright red strings attached..
In the home town, there’s The Chivalrous Knight in shiny armour dwelling. To this day he says that one day, at the end, he will marry me anyway. It was a young love, yet very fierce. And our red string survived even the stormy time of anger.
The citadel of beer is connected by many red strings to those who I was young once with. We all moved on by now; so some strings faded and some strings were worn so thin that they snapped. And there was one which I thought that doesn’t exist anymore, but only during the last visit was found… yet it caused no more pain. Never more.
And then there is this particular string. To the family that I was almost part of. This one is strong and tricky, woven with love, laughter, tears, pain, betrayal, joy, understanding, sentiment. Nice and neat weave with few knots marking the struggles, binding me to my One in Million.
The New Moon in Cancer just passed became the point where we reached the full cycle of running and chasing each other. Dust of the years has been brushed off and the air has cleared. We spoke. We sat at the ‘altar’ by the old oak in summer breeze, overlooking ripples on the golden field of ripening wheat. We run our fingers over the knots and we forgave each other. Now there’s only love and peace between us again. The crimes from the old days are gone and great memories have risen from the shadows.
I am not yours anymore, you are not mine anymore. Never more. That’s why there’s Raven sitting on my shoulder. That’s why there were three others seeing us off.
As a girl of temper I quite often go up in flames. Because I do give a f*ck and things have meaning to me. So when attacked in any form, the emotion, whether it’s thundering anger or burning joy, is multiplied within the split of a second. Like lighting a match.
The younger version of me, let’s say late teen and early twenties, was walking ticking bomb, rebellious in heart, courageous and confident, like all youngsters are. Back then “I knew better”, I wasn’t afraid to burn. Until I burned someone I loved. Fire words we say in anger hurts the most.
Then I grew cautious about those temper tantrums, I wanted to be stable, I didn’t want people tiptoeing around me in fear that they might do or say something that would unleash the storm within me. I wanted respect, but not induced by fear.
So I slowly learned “how to become a member of modern society” by biting my tongue and keeping the fire inside. To vent that power I became passive aggressive person. I’m not saying it’s the best approach to people and situations, but at this point in my life, I can’t deny that choleric temperament in me.
I still firmly believe we need those flames in our lives. Time to time. Burning desires, fierce storms. It shows us what we care about, it points out our values. But we also need to be in charge of the eruption, not just being dragged around by it. It’s a generated power that can be useful if focused in the right direction.
After all there always will be topics that anger us on the deepest level of our humanity.